READ: Before anyone comes down with a dose of the staggers, or even dum-dum fever, proof positive that people do actually read this column comes opposite in the Letters pages.

It seems we've managed to stir up two quite disparate groups at the same time: the SWP and the local Tories. We won't go into the details, but we'd prefer to be thought of, not as a latter-day Senator McCarthy, but the natural heir to Sir Richard Attenborough.

In just one edition, we've discovered the presence of the (long-feared extinct) Socialist Workers Party and, for those who wondered, the existence of a Redvales councillor. His next surgery is on March 4 at Parkhills Community Centre.

MIKE: Deputy council leader Mike Connolly has been out enjoying himself, according to our spies at the Whitefield area board.

Mike's job is to deliver the usual "higher taxes, more cuts" message at these budget roadshows, with or without the help of borough treasurer Mike Owen.

"You've heard of the two Ronnies: we're the two Mikes," quipped the East ward councillor. (Hope he was wearing his Fifth Column badge at the time). But there was more to come. Mike had probably noticed that the average age of people at these meetings is 60+.

"Is anyone here young enough to have heard of a band called Mac Fly (sic)? In the words of their song, this is All About You." Amid the toe-curling, you could see the pensioners turn up their iPods.

But then, trouble, when Mike compared himself to Gordon Brown. May 4 is going to be a tough enough election for party leader Wayne Campbell. Does Mike know something we don't?

DOPE: Lib Dem MEP Chris Davies writes to say how glad he is that the Government has decided not to reclassify cannabis.

Chris, you will remember, is the fellow who earned himself a criminal conviction for possession of cannabis, in a protest against existing drugs policy. His PR people tell us that the Euro MP has campaigned for the separation of hard and soft drugs for many years, "but has never taken an illegal drug".

Why not, Chris? We need to know what it's like. Perhaps if you get it downgraded even further, we can find out without having our collar felt.

LADY: Some people just refuse to see the truth when it's staring them in the face. After much guffawing, we feel it's our duty to repeat a recent episode from Bury's renowned cultural quarter.

Over a pack of Gitanes incidentally, has anyone, outside of glossy magazines, ever smoked Peter Stuyvesant cigs? our friend shows us a new mobile phone he's bought, in a lovely shade of pink/purple. The colour, natch, prompted remarks about it being a girlie phone: but our hero was having none of it, even when the booklet talked about it being the perfect phone for ladies.

The penny finally dropped when, a couple of days later, the phone alerted him to the fact that his period was about to start. The phone, as Monty Python would have it, has now joined the ranks of the choir invisible.